Today I received the following message from a friend (I have actually known almost my whole life):

“Hey! I’m not sure how accurate it was, but I completed a test which confirmed I would be an HSP! NOW WHAT? haha”

I love her spontaneity and bluntness. And I can ABSOLUTELY identify with the “Now what???” life-changing interrogation that follows such discovery about oneself. It does not always happen. I have seen cases where they find out but pay no attention and years later realize they are actually interested on finding more about it. Or the more dramatic type (which I also relate to, because it was me back in 2015):

“I think you are saving me. I’m pretty sure I am HSP, from what I’ve read. It would explain so much stuff that the world does not get from me, and that are everyday business in my life. Why I sometime feels like a weirdo when expressing my thoughts, thinking a LOT about where we come from, what we are here for, the Universe. I have been like this since childhood. I used to cry and no one would understand my need to comprehend everything so deeply.”

Sensory processing sensitivity (SPS) is the scientific term for High Sensitivity. It is an innate personality trait characterized by sensitivity to internal and external stimuli, including social and emotional signals. The standard measure (test!) of SPS in grown-ups is the 27-item Highly Sensitive Person Scale (HSP Scale), validated using a variety of methods and populations (Aron and Aron, 1997). Among others, items include being aware of subtleties, bothered by intense stimuli and strongly affected by caffeine, pain and time pressures; startling easily, being more aware of others’ moods; and performing poorly when observed (because of over arousal).

There is more to it that just the description and facts. There is what precisely HSPs can sense from the trait itself, from being recognized as something that actually exists, is being intensely researched, and WOW, yes, it’s normal! One less thing to worry about, right? Normalizing, naming, has a beautiful calming effect. That which can be called, can be somehow processed. The thing is, how?

1. WHAT I DID FIRST, because it is my particular way of processing more deeply, is soak myself with all I could grasp on High Sensitivity. Mostly on my own, while sharing my findings with my circle of trust. The first book I devoured was The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron. The double click I followed was looking up for the scientific and psychological research available online, while reading more books, like The Highly Sensitive Child also by Elaine N. Aron and Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
2.  As I am usually in one or more kinds of therapy, I CONSULTED on this trait. This was a limited resource in Argentina to be honest. It is something basically nobody knows, and local idiosyncrasy makes it hard to spread without much debate and judgement passed. So my best way out was to talk about my High Sensitivity with Dr Margaret Paul, Inner Bonding® Facilitator and creator (together with Erika Chopich). And because Inner Bonding is a very powerful tool (one of my favorites since trying it out back in 2005), it was JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAL in relation to taking responsibility for my own self worth. behavior and feelings. I was practicing the 30 days Love Yourself course back when I discovered HS. I also joined small groups that worked with Dr Margaret Paul once or twice after that, while I kept my Inner Bonding practice going.
3. Only when I learned that I had to take loving action on behalf of myself, acknowledging my high sensitivity, was I able to start revising my environment, activities and relationships, to take action and experience a CHANGE in my life. First I felt a change in my inner conversations: less judgement and more encouragement. Less pushing myself to do what felt wrong only to “fit in” and “be loved”. Slowly, my real conversations started shifting. IT WAS AWKWARD AT FIRST, especially with my closest relationships. But I was determined to be happier, at peace and feel loved for who I am, not for who they want me to be. So I persisted. My sister was the first one to find out, and very supportive. After all, it explained a lot of our differences. My mom listened to me talk about this, and as she has always (almost always) done, accompanied me in a very kind way, I am sure I must have been hard to raise such a sensitive child… and she did the best she could. My dad did not pay much attention. My husband was angry at first, he said it was aaaaaall about that now (I was really into High Sensitivity and so excited about it hahaha…. it must have been intense to live with that during exploratory phase) and it was my new found “excuse” for missing out plans, retreating to myself (being a “hermit” as he used to call me) and being emotional. Fortunately, we were able to evolve to understanding each other even if our stimulation thresholds are so different, even if he is an extrovert and I’m an introvert, even if I “just” want to talk about “important stuff” and consider ever small detail before acting. My friends, well, that’s a complete different chapter. It is still hard to manage some aspects, given my HS.
4. Home & work life was what mostly changed for me. It still is, as so much has been transformed since then… which makes me reflect: to what extent were these life-changing metamorphosis an effect of my own? I finally embraced motherhood and left “cubicle nation” (big multi-national corporation) for an independent job adventure. The eternal chicken or egg paradox. Cause and effect law. Just love it!

I will stop at #4. There’s more. Maybe the hardest for me was to embrace introversion and the need for quiet time to recharge. Don’t get me wrong, I had always known it did me good and had always looked for those breaks. The difficult part was more on starting to PREFER that, to guard that as VERY PRECIOUS for my sanity and health, at the expense of turning down social endeavors. Saying ‘no’ to gatherings, leaving earlier than others, negotiating quantity and length of plans on weekends, etc. The same on the office job, business trips, and career choices.

So, whatever the first reaction is for you, there are infinite ways to face how this follows. My job is in part to help you manage your trait are thrive, excel at the complete extent of your possibilities in this non-sensitive world, and business arena. Let me know how your personal experience has been!